The Unicorn – Technology

Hi, my name is Kelly and I’m technologically impaired. (Hi Kelly!) Thanks. Anyways, I feel I should be up front about this so you all know what you’ll be dealing with. Ok, sit down… I don’t know what an IPad does, am confused by those flat tablet things with no keyboard (is it the same as an IPad?) and I don’t have a cell phone. Yes that’s right people, I’m a feral human. Running wild throughout the countryside with not a care if I can be easily located in case someone wants to call and chat, indeed a veritable unicorn is walking in your midst.

That’s not to say I haven’t tried things. I had a Trac phone once. Had. The first time it ever rang, I opened it up and yelled “Hello?? Hello??” while it continued to ring.  I didn’t know I had to push the green button. So the call went to voice mail where it was never retrieved, because I didn’t know how to make it play. A monkey could have done a better job. It got used so seldom that it actually died of neglect. I was not aware that I had to use it now and then to keep it alive. Tragic.

Cell phones in general baffle me, especially the little square kind that don’t reach from your mouth to your ear like a real phone ought to. When someone hands me a tiny phone while they’re driving and commands me to use it for them, they still have to walk me through the whole dialing process and then I find myself holding it walkie-talkie style, down by my mouth to talk and then quickly moving it up to my ear so I can hear the person at the other end. As for hanging it up when the conversation is over, what do you people think I am, a magician?? A blank stare usually suffices until the owner grabs it back and hangs it up for me.

And smart phones! Please, make it stop. They’re definitely smarter than me. I can look at people’s pictures and do the swiping thing but that’s the limit of my smart phone ability. (Ability – singular.  Plural would indicate that I can do more with them and I cannot.)

I have never texted in my life. I hear it’s like a gateway drug and it leads to other technology and before you know it, you’ve spent all your money and your family won’t talk to you because they’re busy texting too.

Let’s move on. How do Ipad/tablets work? How do they turn on? How do I type with no keyboard? What evil sorcery is this? Do they come with instructions? What do you do if you have fat fingers? How do you learn to use them? Are we supposed to just KNOW? Honestly, the main reason we had a kid was so that in a few years someone could be our liaison in this new and confusing information age. I’m just an Oregon Trail girl in a Minecraft world.

Several years ago I felt brave and got an MP3 player so I could listen to it when I went for a run. We got one, the $20 version because I wanted to test the waters before committing to something more expensive. It did not come with any instructions whatsoever. I brought it home and looked at it with crickets chirping in the background, wondering how it was supposed to work. For awhile I just played the lame songs it came with but running to elevator music is not all that motivational. Eventually I stumbled my way through downloading songs onto it (Thanks Google) and accidentally downloaded every song on my computer instead of just the ones I wanted. Now, I love the City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra… just… not when I’m trying to run. So once again I had to get some help from my pal Google. It took me hours to fix. It was miserable. I hated it. I think that was my breaking point. That was when I said Nope, not gonna do it. Not gonna join in on this technology and gadget craze. There is just no way that my brain can learn all this new stuff.  Seriously, I can’t even remember what I’m wearing right now without looking down to cheat. If I could work a smart phone there is probably at app for that: Your Clothes Today Without Looking! Free download! So I ask, how am I supposed to keep up?

And now they’ve computerized our cars. Dear God, our cars. When we got the car I have now (it’s a 2007) we were so proud of ourselves. We’d sit in it and listen to the awesome stereo that had… wait for it… A CD PLAYER! And automatic windows! Look at me being all fancy! The Trans Siberian Orchestra never sounded so good. When my mild mannered sedan kicks the bucket and I have to level up I’m not going to know what to do. My future car will probably crash it’s self when it finds out I have no cell phone to sync up with it. Dude, when that day comes, I’m going to find myself an old piece of crap Buick and drive that instead. I don’t even care if it smells funny. Too bad Dean Yingling isn’t still around. We used to shop in the cheap section of his car lot quite often but I digress.

When you see me out and about, don’t stare, silently judging me for being e-stupid. It can’t be helped and I don’t want your pity. Don’t send me helpful links hoping I’ll read them and find them helpful. I won’t. It’s nothing to lose sleep over. Everything is going to be alright. Until my carrier pigeons die… then I’m not sure how I’m going to get these articles submitted. <sigh> Only in the Cove…

circus 2015 003 Kelly Baker, writer for OITC Cove Humor