Brought To You By…Smellevision

It all started at 4:00am Sunday morning when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. I eventually wandered downstairs and turned on the TV, hoping to find a nice infomercial to lull me back to the Land of Nod. Instead I found a marathon of The Walking Dead and immediately got sucked into it. Hours later, I was still watching it. I only stopped long enough to go to church and then resumed as soon as I got home. Hey, now don’t go pointing fingers at me. There’s no place in the Bible that says THOU SHALT NOT WATCH SHOWS ABOUT ZOMBIES, though having not slept, I kind of felt like one myself.  Anyhow, this show, for those who have never watched it, is about a group of people trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. The plot was riveting and kept me glued to the couch but through it all, the same thoughts kept coming to me: 1.There’s a million more worthwhile things I could be doing with my time and 2. How long has it been since these people have taken a bath?

The characters on this show have not seen a bar of soap, deodorant or tooth paste in years, and yet, there they are, sitting right beside each other, putting up with one another’s stank. After a few episodes I found myself mentally screaming at the screen: “PLEASE DARYL, TAKE A BATH! Or at the bare minimum, WASH YOUR HAIR!” I really wanted to climb into the TV and maybe put a butterfly clip in his bangs when they became grease plastered over his face and he could only see out of one eye. This is when I should have realized I may have a problem and quietly turned the TV off. But I didn’t.

Instead I just climbed deeper into things. How is he supposed to kill zombies if his greasy hair is covering his eyes? Daryl’s bad hygiene could possibly ruin the survival odds of the whole group, theoretically speaking. I missed a vast majority of one whole episode because I was trying to mentally will Daryl into scrubbing his head and/or washing his pits. Crazy, I know. Why should I care what they smell like? At least all of them have awful hair so two thumbs up for authenticity. (* I would like to take the time to point out here that I am aware that I wouldn’t win any fabulous hair awards myself and in the event of a zombie apocalypse perhaps smelling nice would be very low on my To Do list but golly, smelling other people, even in a time of crisis, would really irritate me. If I can smell you, the zombies probably can too.)

And the ladies, they hadn’t bathed in as long either and I could only imagine how their heads must have itched. If their characters are going to be that dirty, then I’m thinking they probably haven’t shaved since Shep was a pup and shouldn’t their under arm hair be kind of obvious? Just saying. I notice these things. Or the lack thereof. 

I have the same problem watching any movie where people wake up in the morning, roll over and kiss each other on the lips, then lay there talking to one another with their faces mere inches away. That’s not real. Real people don’t do that. Good morning etiquette dictates that you should not talk at all before tooth brushing occurs. If you must talk, both parties should be as far from each other as possible with their heads pointing in opposite directions. In real life if someone woke up and immediately rolled over and started breathing their disgusting morning breath in their loved one’s nose, either someone would get punched in the face or there would be gagging and retching involved. 

Another show that comes to mind where I spent every episode wondering about the body odor of the characters was TurnWashington’s Spies, which is about the Revolutionary War. I can’t imagine what funk the citizens of that time period had to put up with. Picture it ladies: your man comes stomping in the door after a long day of running through the woods trying to get super secret messages through the proper channels and he’s maybe been in a few fights along the way, one time he fell in the mud so that’s sort of dried and crusted to him. Deodorant hasn’t been invented yet and all that adrenaline pumping, sneaking around surely hasn’t helped him smell like a daisy, nor has he probably brushed his teeth. Then he goes and gives the lady of the house a warm stinky embrace complete with kiss and all I can think is Great, now she’s going to have to wash that dress and she probably only has two and if it’s not a wash day then it’s just going to smell really bad until wash day rolls around again…

There. I’ve effectively ruined the way you watch TV for the rest of your life. You’re welcome.

While we’re on the subject of unrealistic things that happen on television, let me address this issue: On shows and movies, someone always falls off of…say… a cliff, or the side of a building. And their helpful sidekick person, usually a woman or someone substantially smaller than the person hanging by their fingernails, is always the one to help pull them back to safety. How is this physically possible? I mean, I can barely pull a 28 lb. two year old up onto the bed without sliding down over the side myself. If I had to pull up a full sized man from the side of a skyscraper, we’d both plummet to the depths below. C’mon Hollywood. Those of us with active imaginations just find you frustrating at times.

In closing, let me leave you with one more observation. The next time you watch a Swiffer commercial, pay attention. No matter what the inside of the house looks like, they always answer the SAME FRONT DOOR. If anyone reading this knows someone who makes Swiffer commercials you tell them we’re on to them!

circus 2015 003Kelly Baker, writer for OITC Cove Humor